my life in words

read more to find out

the darkness fell upon me as I heard the news
daddy wasn’t coming home tonight
or ever.
he was gone. my father. forever.
it became more difficult to find a breath than anything before.
“It will be okay” they tell me.
how do they know?
they don’t.
no one knows for sure.
So dear lord,
all I am asking is for strength. not only for me, but for my family. for my daddy up in heaven and for everyone and everything he has left behind on Earth. I realize that you were so excited to meet him, that you had to take him early.. but please.. don’t punish the drunk man who hit him. he has a family too, and I don’t want them to feel how I do.
in your name I pray,
Amen.

that tear that won’t fall

the words spill into your ears like a hurricane on a beach. you don’t want to hear it, yet you can’t stop listening. your ears start to pop and you realize you’re on the verge of tears. you must hold them back. even though crying seems like all you want to do right now, you know you can’t. you can’t give them that satisfaction. later, you go home. finally you are alone and able to cry. but after all of that, you can’t. they have built up anger in you, hatred. it leaves room for tears and no matter what you do, the tears won’t come. for they have won. they have turned you into one of them.

crazy?

Every girl has her time that she goes crazy. About something. We just do. But when someone actually calls me crazy, I throw a fit. It hurts. I actually feel crazy. Then I wonder, if the shoe fits? Am I actually crazy? I’ve been cheated on, beat, and much more. Did that make me crazy? If so, no one knows about a lot of it, so they probably assume I’m just insane.. These thoughts honestly torture me and I’m really not sure how to get rid of them. I try to stay calm in all situations. Not to get heated or jealous. But sometimes I just feel.. Crazy.

Everyone always tells me, “with pain, comes strength.” I am still waiting for my strength to arrive. I wouldn’t say I’ve been through a lot. But I’ve been through enough to the point that I believe I deserve to be strong. Sometimes I ask God why he gave me the life that he did. It confuses me, how he chooses who gets what story. So far, I don’t like my story. But I have a plan. A plan that is the biggest thing that gets me through everyday. I’m going to have to work very hard to succeed the goals necessary to finish my plan. I’m trying to believe in myself. But it’s hard when you’re use to have people constantly telling you not to. Those words still run through my head. It’s been months, now. But I can still remember words that were said. Exact places. Times. Dates… Bruises. The emotional scars are far more deep than the physical. Someone hating me enough to do the things that were done.. It tore me apart. The words that were said.. Striped my confidence. Right out from under me. Made me think that I deserve nothing. Made me not feel good enough. I still basically cry myself to sleep every night. Nights that I can’t sleep, I just cry. And listen to music. It’s my escape. It’s these pains and weaknesses that I need my strength. It’s why I believe I deserve some strength. I want to be strong. Not only for myself, but for everyone around me. They have been here for me since day one and all I want to do is be here for them. Show them how much I love and care for them. Never let them down. It’s hard for me to imagine myself in the future. Forgetting everything that has happened. Having my new and “perfect” life. If only I could tell people everything.. Things would be so much easier. Everyone would understand me. But I can’t. It’s no ones business. I don’t want to tell them. I want to move away to college. Forget my entire past. All I ask for, is the strength to move on. Forget. Stand strong.

relentted:

I just want someone to call 
at 4am,
someone who won’t mind
that I need to make sure they’re still there
because I care too much
and let the worry consume me 
until I’m drowning in the waves that
float over my sheets. 
I want someone to hear
my whispers, and not mind
that I find them important enough
to say out loud. 

"He can’t hurt you anymore." they tell me. What they don’t realize is he’s hurting me everyday. The thoughts and memories still branded in my mind still haunt me. I don’t know how to eliminate them, but I suppose I don’t have to. I mean, they’re right. He can’t hurt me anymore. I just have to stop letting him.

inner thoughts

is she looking at me? I wonder. But I don’t look. I’m scared she’ll glare at me.
is he thinking of me? I wonder. But I don’t ask. I’m scared he’ll reject me.